I’m not even 100% sure where I am headed with this, but maybe just typing some words will make me, or someone else, feel a little better.  The news about Robin Williams has hit me much, much harder than I ever would have expected.  Sure, I am a huge comedy fan, and he undoubtedly was a huge influence to so many in that world.  But the way it has really impacted me is because of the connection with depression.  

First off, don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to compare myself or my situation to Robin Williams.  But, I have been trying to deal with depression for several years now.  I think I denied it for a while.  I’ve tried to address it, but felt embarrassed about it.  I’m not exactly great at opening up with people.  It’s just not easy for me.  I need to change that.  

It seems like I should be one of the happiest guys in the world.  I got to travel the world playing music professionally for over a decade.  I’ve met several of my idols.  I have a super supportive family.  I have a super supportive girlfriend.  I’ve been on tv, magazine covers, had people asking for my autograph.  But I had a breakdown.  I felt I couldn’t do it anymore.  I still stand by it, and I don’t fully blame depression for my decision to leave the band.  It truly did feel like it was time to move on.  However, I thought I was going to feel so much better having the weight of touring off of my back.  Sure, it has been an adjustment, learning to be used to being in one place all of the time, but it was what I wanted, what I needed.  I made that move to make me happier, but the sadness has still been lurking.  And some great things have been happening for me.  Things I can’t quite talk about just yet, but really exciting things.  And I still just feel so goddamned sad.  And I hate what it has done to me as a person.  I get angrier more than I used to.  I’m not as friendly as I once was.  Being ashamed of being depressed has caused me to turn into a type of person I am ashamed of being.  Nothing satisfies me.  I don’t feel a lot of joy.  I hate it.  I have been trying things to make it better.  I have been going to therapy.  I have tried meditation.  I have been on medication in the past, and am wondering if I may need to go that route again. I just didn’t have a lot of luck in the past.  If any of you reading this have had success dealing with depression, I welcome your advice.

Again, my situation is nowhere near as dire as Robin Williams’.  If anything, I’m sure it’s a quite mild depression compared to many.  But, I don’t want it to ever get that bad.  I don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed that I feel this way.  I don’t exactly know what to do about it, but maybe just getting this out there will help a little bit.  And maybe it will help someone reading this.  I don’t know.  I couldn’t just not say anything anymore.  I’ve spent the last several days being sick on top of this, so I have had nothing but time to think.  I absolutely must turn this around.  And if you’re at all dealing with anything similar, join me in conquering this.  

If you need help…

Depression Crisis Hotline 888-771-5166

jonahray:

New ep of @jonahraydio out! With @tonythaxton @bobcatgoldthwait and @howardkremer !!!! Track listing at nerdist.com

I’m kinda sorta on the new episode. I don’t say much, I just wanted to listen to Howard and Bobcat.

jonahray:

New ep of @jonahraydio out! With @tonythaxton @bobcatgoldthwait and @howardkremer !!!! Track listing at nerdist.com

I’m kinda sorta on the new episode. I don’t say much, I just wanted to listen to Howard and Bobcat.

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